The headline says it all: "Teri Hatcher hasn't had sex in four years".

I think I'm going to cry. Some things are just too horrible to contemplate. ::sniff:: Tip o' the blog to Annie.

Update: I'm in good company: Mike and Ace both agree with me.

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Well, the new year is already well under way and I haven't pissed anyone off yet. Okay, maybe a little. Anyway, it's time for some more recycled humor. I give you the following:

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. Good beer costs less than good women.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
30. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
31 . Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
32. Beer won't drive you to drink.
33. You can shoot a beer.
34. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
35. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
36. A tree is good enough for a beer.
37. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
38. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
39. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
40. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
41. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
42. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
43. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
44. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
45. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
46. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
47. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
48. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
49. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
50. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.
51. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

And don't think that the men are getting off easy, either. Here comes the rebuttal:

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.

2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
14. A beer doesn't sulk.
15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
18. A beer doesn't snore.
19. A beer can't interrupt.
20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
25. A good beer is easy to find.
26. A beer can't pout.
27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
33. A beer doesn't want children.
34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
37. Hangovers go away.
38. A beer tastes good.
39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
43. A beer never needs a shave.
44. You don't have to let a beer win.
45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
53. A beer is never temperamental.
54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
55. A cold beer is a good beer.
56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
58. A beer won't steal the covers.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:28 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Overindulge a bit during the holidays, did you? Wake up feeling like a production of Stomp was going on in your noggin? Well then, pay attention: this article is for you. Excerpt:

You're hung over - some cures?

- Sleep. It gives your body time to recover. A tired or unfit drinker is especially vulnerable to hangovers.

- Keep drinking water.

- Eat. Complex carbohydrates such as bread and pasta will raise your blood sugar level. Bananas are excellent because they contain complex carbohydrates, potassium and Vitamin C. And if your stomach can't face food? Chamomile tea is best, and make the first cup really strong. The chamomile will help your stomach, and if you take in quantities of water with the tea, it will ease the pain.

- Exercise. This will help you sweat the alcohol out of your system.

- Sex. See exercise.

There are doctors who claim hangovers are mostly mental. In that case you may feel the need to punish yourself with a more exotic cures. If so, try the Middle Ages mixture of bitter almonds and raw eel. Or mix together vinegar and raw eggs, and swig them down with a giant gulp.

You might decide you were better off stopping at cure No. 5 above.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Last night, we had our annual faculty meeting to discuss the standard blah-blah that the university issues. However, the dean added a twist to yesterday's meeting: he began by reading aloud an email from one of our professors, whose name I shall not mention on this blog. I'll paraphrase the message since I don't possess a hard copy:

This holiday season, my wife, my sister and I went on vacation with our parents to our usual place along the coast of the Indian sub-continent. Morning dawned with a beautiful sunset. Around mid-morning, a large group of us entered a shelter to wait for boat; we were going to take a day trip to [some] island. All of a sudden, the large waves started rolling in. No one could out of the doors and the water was rising rapidly. I yelled at someone to break the windows, which he did. Then I started shoving people out the window as the waves kept crashing into the building. Right after my mother and wife climbed out, I clambered out myself. Just then, another huge wave crashed into the building and it collapsed. All of us climbed to higher ground, feeling thankful for our escape.

In a related matter, my sister was overwhelmed by a large wave and dragged out to sea. In what I can only call another miracle, she was returned to us safe and sound.

I wanted to send this message to all my friends and colleagues at the university. My family and I are grateful for the miracles that spared our lives, and are especially grateful to be safe and sound back in the US. Please pass this message along to everyone and tell them I look forward to seeing them next week.

The ocean is a harsh mistress. She rarely gives back that which she takes, and even then it's only grudgingly.

A few years ago, Stephen King was hit and nearly killed after being hit by a car while crossing the street. He and his wife have called every day since then "bonus time". I'm betting that the professor feels the same way.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's a New Year, which means that Andrea has moved. Again. Stop by and check out her new digs, Victory Soap.

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Annika posted excerpts and an image from a story about a a Swedish toddler who somehow survived the tsunami and was reunited with his father. As the father of 2 children who help give my life meaning, I can only imagine the despair that the father experienced, and the subsquent surprised joy. There's another part of the story that's not so good though:

But Hannes' mother, Suzanne Bergstroem, was still among some 5,000 people missing in Thailand.

My prayers are with all of the victims.

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The Physics Geek(me) is hosting this week's Carnival of the Recipes. Please submit any and all links to your recipes to recipe.carnival (at) gmail.com . If you don't have a blog, just send me the recipe and I'll post it, taking all the credit for myself giving you the credit.

I'm going to guess what Steve might submit:

Butter-Fried, Lard-Coated Fat Sticks

Ingredients
-------------
10 pounds of beef or pork fat, preferably both
10 pound tub of lard
10 pounds of butter
non-stick oil spray

Directions
-----------
Spray some oil onto your tongue, just to get into the right frame of mind. Next, coat the fat chunks with enough lard so that a 2-inch layer has formed. If you run out of lard, buy some more. The 2-inch layer is critical.

Put your cast iron skillet onto a burner set at medium heat; melt the butter. Slowly drop the lard-coated fat chunks into the butter and heat until everything becomes a gooey, viscous oily mass. Remove from heat and let cool. Dig in with a spoon; a little hot sauce adds some zest. Remember: this is all part of your Atkins friendly diet.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:16 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Okay, here are my Dead Pool picks for this year. I will guarantee that I have several solo shots available due to my penchant for picking really old, extremely obscure people with only tenous ties to celebrity status. Most of them tend to live forever, though. Anyway, I give you the picks:

Mills, John

Ford, Gerald

Douglas, Kirk

Stapleton, Jean

Doohan, James

West, Adam

Blanda, George

Hollings, Ernest

Rostenkowski, Dan

Morricone, Ennio

Carpenter, Scott

Knievel, Evel

Bannister, Roger

Breck, Peter

Anderson, Louie

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I've just submitted my roster for the 2005 Dead Pool, which is almost identical to my 2004 roster; my only correct pick through 12/29/04 was Marlon Brando. Anyway, game on!. Oh, and I'm offering a bonus prize this year to help drum up interest in the game. Be sure and check out the rules for this year's Dead Pool.

I plan on winning this year. My roster contains old, feeble and mostly unknown celebrities/athletes/politicians. I'll wager than about half my picks will end up as Solo Shot opportunities.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This week's Carnival of the Recipes is simmering nicely over at Prochein Amy. And she's done some pretty good work renaming all of the submissions so that they're funny. This humor thing is quite interesting. I will have to find some for myself in 2005.

Update: Shameless self-promotion: I'll be the host for next week's Carnival.

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I haven't posted about the tsunami disaster or the relief efforts mainly because others have been doing yeoman's work and they all receive far more traffic than I do. However, if you follow the links to the sites I've listed above, you will find many places where you can send money to help. And kudos to that stingy company Amazon for putting a special disaster fund tip jar. The total has already topped $7,000,000 as I type this. The generosity of people in this miserly, Scrooge-like nation of ours never ceases to amaze me.

Update: Chuck Simmins has more details regarding us stingy Americans.

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Look, I know that not everyone likes the same food, enjoys the same musics, or finds humor in the same places. But how in the world do you NOT think that Animal House is funny? Dated? Sure, but it's aged like a fine wine. Okay, there is a counter argument to be made against Animal House as a comedy. In fact, I've made it myself: I truly believe that the movie falls more into the documentary category. Even so, it's still a damn funny movie.

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Received via email today. A moldy oldie, but still a goody:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email! to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

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Pretty soon, it'll rank up there with Fahrenheit 9/11 in terms of accuracy. The increasingly misnamed Kerry Spot has the scoop. Excerpt:

Finally, according to the editor, Coleman's false assertion that he didn't know and we didn't say whether we might be on the take from some campaign, political party or anonymous benefactor, appeared to violate no Star Tribune standard. In his meeting with Coleman after my discussion with the editor yesterday morning, Coleman had told the editor that he "assumed" we received a stipend from the Claremont Institute. (Wrong. As we expressly stated here in response to Coleman's slander earlier this month, "we are not paid by anyone" for our work on the site. What part of "not" doesn't Coleman understand?)

I asked the editor what standards Coleman's column was subject to at the Star Tribune. He said he didn't know; he would have to research the answer to that question and get back to me. But they do have standards, which is of course a relief!

I could write this as a work of fiction and it would get rejected by every publisher on the grounds that even fiction has to be somewhat believable.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No I don't, and don't call me Shirley.

I was perusing the Carnival of the Cats FAQ when I came across this little snippet:

I like cats, but I hate the nasty and vile rhetoric of "This Blog Is Full Of Crap." How can I just see the cat posts?

"Hate the nasty and vile rhetoric"? That's the only reason I read the damn thing. Eesh. There's just no pleasing some people.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:58 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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So Al Franken is in Iraq, entertaining the troops. Huh? Which leads to the latest assignment: Why is Al Franken in Iraq?

1) He's building up frequent flyer miles, which can be redeemed for cash, to fund Air America for another year.

2) Al will finally give in to his long suppressed "love that dare not speak its name" towards camels.

3) Franken wanted to deliver his resume to Al Jazeera in person.

Update(sort of): Speaking of the Alliance, how about this compilation of all the fake Evil Glenn quotes. Nice work, Harvey.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:57 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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And this week, it'll be hosted ay Prochein Amy's place. My turn will come the week of January 7. Stay tuned.

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I received a couple of gifts this year that I have to mention:

1) Lileks latest book is full of images that would normally cause my most recent meal to swim upstream. Fortunately, I've been laughing too hard at the commentary for nausea to set in.

2) Axis of Weasels has provided me with many, many laughs. I've recommended it to all my friends and family. Yay, Scrappleface! Sorry, Frnak.

Update: I neglected to mention that I also received this collection of essays by Bill Whittle. It should have been in every American's stocking this year. Okay, not Barbara Streisand or Alec Baldwin; the words would be unreadable to them.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And be labeled a heretic

Sounds like fun to me. Anyway, Dean has a good post discussing some of the questions that aren't being asked by many about the HIV-AIDS connection. Of course, no one actually wants to have this discussion, do they? Be sure to read the comment thread. Quite interesting.

Update: Dean continues leading people to certain death. At least, that's what you would think after reading some of the commenters to his posts on this subject.

As a scientist myself, I have to admit that the ad hominem attacks against HIV dissenters have been quite troubling these last 10-15 years. I can remember only one other scientific theory that was as discredited before it was tested: cold fusion. For what it's worth, research on that topic continues today. Excerpt:

Other researchers are finally beginning to explain why the Pons-Fleischmann effect has been difficult to reproduce. Mike McKubre from SRI International, in Menlo Park, Calif., a respected researcher who is influential among those pursuing cold fusion, says that the effect can be reliably seen only once the palladium electrodes are packed with deuterium at ratios of 100 percent—one deuterium atom for every palladium atom. His work shows that if the ratio drops by as little as 10 points, to 90 percent, only 2 experimental runs in 12 produce excess heat, while all runs at a ratio of 100 percent produce excess heat.

And scientists are beginning to get a better handle on exactly how the effect occurs. Stanislaw Szpak and colleagues from the Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command have taken infrared video images of palladium electrodes as they produce excess energy. It turns out that the heat is not produced continuously over the entire electrode but only in hot spots that erupt and then die on the electrode surface. This team also has evidence of curious mini-explosions on the surface.

Sure, these guys are just huckters and snake oil salesmen. Right?

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:10 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Looks like rats can really start swinging now.

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